Adendum to Cautionary Tale #3





R. I. P. Gobie

My sister tells me that the cautionary tale about Gobie is missing some details. Wasn't a broom involved? she asked in her comment. While I have no memory of a broom, she's right; there are, of course, other details.

For instance, when Paul yelled from the other side of the laundry room, "CATH, WHAT'S THAT??" I assumed that "THAT" was a mouse and told him he was on his own. Paul had been away for the entire week of Gobie's visit and had (conveniently) not been involved in any part of the mice fiasco. As a result, he was at a disadvantage to know what it was that was moving in our hallway in front of him. I  offered to pass him an empty coffee can if he needed it and of course he did need it. After depositing "THAT" into into the can, he insisted that I look at it. I'm thinking, "I need to identify a mouse for you??!!" When I finally did look, I shrieked so loud that I imagine our neighbors thought our fire alarm had gone off yet again--and of course Paul's ear was right in front of my mouth. My soft-spoken husband, already shaken by his encounter with "THAT" and nearly toppled by the sheer volume and pitch of my voice, returned the favor:

Paul:     (in a voice I had never heard and haven't heard since) WHAT??!!!

Me:       (same as above) IT'S THE MUSSER'S* HAMSTER!!!

This exchanged was followed by a brief, atomic-mushroom pause. Then--

"WHAT'S THE MUSSER'S HAMSTER DOING IN OUR HOUSE?"

My guess is that, during that instant of time between our hail of mutual shrieking and his bewildered (and extremely loud) question,  Paul imagined the creature putting on his hat and coat, leaving the Musser's house and trotting down to ours.

It was all so horrifying that I don't even remember what I said in reply nor how long it took for Paul to put the whole, absurdly sad picture together. Our children were mercifully absent, having gone to see a movie at Haar's Outdoor Theater in Dillsburg, so we had some time to collect ourselves and put our story together. Actually, I had to put the story together. It must have been an unspoken contract that since Paul was required to bury the little animal, I was required to figure out how to explain it. I crawled around the house in despair that night, rehearsing what I could possibly say to the Mussers when they returned home from their week away:

"Hello. While you were away, your pet passed away. We're so sorry!" or "Your pet, uh, met with a shoe." or "'Someone' 'stepped' on Gobie in the downstairs hallway." or "Well, you know, if Gobie didn't bite people his cage would have been out in broad daylight and we all would have known he was missing." or "What would you expect from a cage with a faulty latch?" or "You call THAT a pet?"

I considered saying nothing at all and simply replacing Gobie with another hamster. But of course the evidence was buried quickly and I wasn't sure if I could find an exact match. After all that had happened, I doubted I'd be that lucky.

My guilt and sorrow were so unbearable I finally decided to call and confess our sins to my mom. Knowing her capacity for sympathy, I expected her to say, "Oh honey it wasn't your fault. The cage latch should have been more sound." Or "Gobie should have been a more congenial hamster." Or "How could you possibly be expected to babysit someone else's pet?"

Instead:

Me:  Oh mom, you won't beleive what happened.
Mom: (already sad because it was the first anniversary of my dad's death which I had, as a result of the present trauma, momentarily forgotten) What, honey?
Me: We killed our friends' family pet.
Mom: You didn't!! I hope they don't sue!
Me: Yeah.

The next day we traveled to see Paul's parents and over lunch I poured out the whole sad story, the image of that white fluff ball lying in the bottom of a rusted coffee can still fresh in my mind. My head was bowed nearly to the lunch on my paper plate as I reviewed what happened. More than anything I wanted the world to understand that the reason I didn't come out of the laundry room to save Gobie's life was because I had a case of mouse-exhaustion; that when Paul yelled, "What's THAT?" I expected "THAT" to be another mouse and with all my heart I believed it was clearly Paul's turn to deal with THAT.  At some point during my lament I looked up to see Paul's dad bent over and writhing in his seat. I feared at first he was having a heart attack and then realized he was laughing in that silent, painful way we do when we're in the grips of hysteria. I stopped talking and stared at him in shocked disbelief. Until that moment, I saw nothing remotely funny about any of it.

By the time the Mussers finally returned I had decided to tell the truth, beginning, of course, with the story about the mice, hoping as I spun that they would understand we're not psychopaths.  But before I was half-way through, the ending was more than apparent to them and they, lovely, forgiving people that that are, laughed until I finished. And the burden of my heart rolled away.**

Although I could have, I didn't replace the hamster before the family returned because I knew they were moving away. Since Gobie was no more, I thought it a better idea to let them decide whether or not they wanted to move a new pet. I offered, however, to give them money to replace Gobie or to buy something else once they were settled in their new home. They decided on the money and adopted a Manitee. You'll have to ask them how that works.



*As explained in the last post, the names have been changed. If you recognize yourself in this story, don't blame me.

**While the adults were able to work through the tragedy with grace and humor, it may have been a different story with the Musser children. Kara was friends with one of the Musser girls who tearfully told Kara that, despite witnessing her parents' laughter, she didn't think it was funny.

Comments

Julie said…
"And the burden of your heart rolled away???!!!!" BWAHAAAAAAA!!!! I'm glad that your heart has been de-burdened!!! One of the funniest stories!!!! EVER!!!!
Unknown said…
Yeeeeeeeessssssssssssssssssss!!!!!! I will print and read this daily...Best. Story. Ever!!!!!
LoLoL!! I’ve heard this story before, but this is great! ��

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